I knew I needed to call off my wedding, I just didn't know why

We were the couple who cancelled a destination wedding two months before the day.

I saw your eyes roll, I get it. I used to hear these stories and think — didn't they give a toss about their guests' money and time?

For me, a whisper that I would ruin everything started inside my mind, and the few times I voiced my uncertainty to friends, reassurances flew my way:

Cold feet, very normal. Is this because of Rachel from Friends? Your wedding will be the best day ever. But he's wonderful. Think of the presents. Sashi, don't be crazy, everyone's booked their flights.

So I ignored it, sure that it'd go away. I couldn't speak about it to my perfect partner of almost eight years or let down our families. 

All the deposits were paid, the jewellery and outfits carefully coordinated. There were 250 loved ones in WhatsApp groups arranging plans in Colombo. 

Okay, yes, some of them were obligatory invitees because Sri Lankan weddings require giving in to arguments detailing the necessary attendance of your father's uncle's fourth cousin.

But the whisper became a bellow that I'd ruin someone's forever, and mine, if I didn't cancel the wedding. 

That's a double negative, but it's the only way I can explain it. I have to eat, I have to sleep, I don't have to be the strange woman who cancelled her wedding. It'd be far more convenient to turn up then get a quiet divorce a bit later — something I absolutely considered.

The end of the wedding and my relationship

The aftermath of the decision was an unhappy montage of emotional, social and financial chaos.

But an email from a friend's mother cut through the haze of guilt because its four typed lines granted me peace:

We send all our love. We're sure you both feel very sad and know this wasn't easy. Marriage is a lifetime commitment that throws all sorts of things at you, and you need to know you're right for each other when you share that journey. Please take care and don't worry about anyone.

I threw myself into working with refugee organisations around the world. If I weren't going to be a good wife, I'd prove my worth through work. 

I lived out my warped version of Eat Pray Love for a few years. Without a book deal or bank account to fund a life reset, it was more a Work Drink Date (Terribly).

Learning about my mental health

I returned to Australia after a string of failed relationships, each one more disastrous than the last. 

After relocating from Perth to Melbourne, I dragged myself to my first counselling session despite my mind chiding that I was being very dramatic. I thought therapy was for other people with actual problems, not me. I was fine.

I learnt the terms "high anxiety", "depression" and "burnout". They were words I needed to sit with before I could even begin to understand why the idea of matching bedside lamps freaked me out to my core.

When I started seeing a nice man again, I began to have a recurring dream. Every night I was back to the day of the cancelled wedding. It was four years later but each detail played out with such vivid clarity that I woke up, agitated that I'd let everyone down again.

The counselling continued for years. Some days I loved learning about my mind, and on others I was angry that it was so much work. It's boring to sit in a chair and talk to a stranger. It's far more fun to be a nuisance in a bar seeking answers at the bottom of a variety of glassware.

But it helped. Ten years on, my ex-fiance and I are married — to other wonderful people. Cancelling the wedding didn't ruin our lives but it did make things very difficult for a while. If we're lucky, life will be long and that'll turn out to be a short while.

I had so much to learn

I wish I'd handled everything better. It was hard and embarrassing to walk through the social fields of raised eyebrows, politely averted gazes and tactless queries. 

But I now know I had so much to learn before I could be a decent partner to anyone.

Last December, my husband and I visited my friend's mother. As we drank tea and played cards, I remembered her words and felt so much joy that the right people are now sharing journeys together. 

Today I can confidently say that I was once a terrible fiancée but am now a bloody decent wife.